When I was 23 months old, my brother was born. When I was about 5 we use to play together all the time. In our big back yard with our dog, with our friends.. Life was good. When I was 13 there he was always hanging around. I wasn't exactly the most well behaved teenager. I got into trouble alot. When I was 15 my dad and mom separated. My brother was 13. I started "growing up some" Sure I still got into trouble and at 15 you think the world should revolve around you. But slowly I started to smarten up. I met Adam when I was 15 and all of my time was spent in school or with Adam. We went to the movies, we went to the mall, went to the drive in... With who in toe? My brother. Partly because my mom felt someone had to "keep an eye on us" and partly because we enjoyed having him around ( of course not ALLL of the time) When I was 16 I got into a little bit more trouble, did something stupid had to pay for it large.
By the time I was 17 my brother had his own friends... did his own thing. But he was still very much a part of my life. When at home we'd play Nintendo, watch movies, just hang out. I never had a job while in highschool, Ronnie did have a few.
We were pretty good friends my brother and I. From the ages of 17 -20 we spent a lot of time together. Having a brother just under two years younger then me wasn't that bad. He wasn't the little kid that kept getting in the way, he was a friend. We didn't go out much. I never did the bar thing or going out to clubs. He didn't either for that matter. We spent most of our time playing Nintendo or Playstation. Hanging out at home. We eventually moved in here * with my grandparents* and he did spend a lot of time out with his friends hanging out at coffee shops till all hours of the night. He got himself a girlfriend who lived about an hour and a half away in the states, and in his free time he'd spend it over there. But when he was home he still was very much part of our family. He enjoyed hanging out with us. Yes I use to tease him and giggle about him having a girlfriend. He's my little brother that's what you do with your little brother. You tease. And in some way I was getting him back for all the times he was glued to me when I had my boyfriends. But I was never serious or trying to be hurtful or anything in any way.
When I was 21 I got married. I had grown up and forgotten about all those crazy teenage years I went through. However he hasn't let that go and makes it a point to remind me of all the bad things I did when I was younger. For some reason he's just not letting it go. I'm sure I wasn't THAT bad compared to some. And even still. People grow up.
Shortly afterwards he met yet another girlfriend. He spent less and less time at home. We started to miss him. But he was still there. We'd stay up to 3 or 4 in the morning and play video games. Visit with our cousin and just hang out.
When I was 23 I got pregnant. My brother still lived at home, but shortly afterward having Connor, he moved into his girlfriends parents house with her in a basement apartment. We saw less and less of him. I was 26 when I was pregnant with Megan. My brother was planning on getting married. At first he was planning to get married in Hawaii. Having two kids and no money there was no way I was going to be able to go, but I got over it. I would at least help my mom to be there if I could. Then they changed their mind and were getting married in Florida. I was so happy cause FLORIDA I could do! I could pack up my family of 4 and drive down and be there with them. That was until he told me WHEN they were getting married. March 19th 2004. What was my due date for Megan... March 29th and I knew I was going to have her two weeks early via scheduled C-section. So March 15th 2004 when I was in the hospital having Megan, my only brother was off in Florida getting married. With out my mom or I there.
Sure it hurt because I always thought my brother and I were close. But I got over it.
So I've been a SAHM for the past 5 years. I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm enjoying my kids and raising them myself instead of getting a job where I'd use my paycheck to pay someone else to raise my kids. I don't see a point in that. My husband agrees. But my brother somehow holds that against me and says "staying at home sitting on your ass all day is not work" his exact words more times then one.
My brother doesn't visit very much anymore. Yes he does work a lot understood. On his days off yes he'd like to spend them with his wife. Understood. But when it goes three weeks sometimes three months without him visiting or calling, I do miss him. I would call him but he's asleep all day and up all night where I'm up all day and asleep all night. I do call him and he gets mad at me if it's any earlier then 3pm. I would go visit him more, but I do not feel welcome at his home, and with two pretty rambunctious kids who will get into things and "upset" their very neat and tidy home. I'd rather not.
So my kids barely know their Uncle or their only Aunt. They see them every so often and when they do I admit they play with them. And that saddens me. Because growing up, my brother and I wish we had an Uncle or an Aunt that would do things with us and want to spend time with us.
And as for me.. I guess since I don't have money and sit on my lazy ass all day.. I'm not worth seeing much either. The times I do go out to bingo, or to see a play, or whatever it is I do with my life. I'm stupid, careless, selfish.
So yesterday when my brother was here to visit our mom for Mother's Day. I went up to sit and visit. They were talking about something, and I said to him, " I wonder what you'd do if you ever had to be awake in the daytime and sleep at night" He said he'd adjust. And Yes I'm sure he would. I don't remember where the conversation went. But shortly afterward he said. " I work so many hours a day or a week" and I said.. " I work 24 hours a day too" and to that he says to me. " How hard is it to sit on your ass all day" then my mom continued to go on " she doesn't know how easy she has it" she goes down to shower the kids and calls me to help her get them out and dressed" I said to them. Yes I do know how easy I have it here. If you weren't here I would have let them stand outside of the shower until I was finished" they started again and I got upset and came back downstairs.
Of course my brother would have no idea how hard it is being a mother, and being a stay at home mom at that. But you'd think that he'd give me some credit and appreciate what I do instead of put me down for it. As for my mom. Yes I'm sure she did have to raise us most of the time without any "help" get us fed, dressed etc. But did she have 3 other people constantly looking down on her while she was parenting? Did she have to worry that her kids were making too much noise, leaving too many toys out, being too loud. Getting in their way? No.
I probably yell at my children more then I ever would have because of that. I don't want them to get in the way. I understand my grandparents are older and my kids are loud and "wild". But do they forget that I am stuck at home every single day. I don't get to spend much time by myself away from the house. Do they forget what it's like to have a 2 year old and a 5 year old in the house? They make noise, they make messes.
But that stuff doesn't bother me as much as knowing what my own brother and mother actually think of me. "The lazy bitch that sits on her ass all day" It hurts me more then I can say. I cried myself to sleep last night, not knowing what to do anymore. I'm sitting here now the tears rolling down my face and even if I called my brother up * which I couldn't because it's 9am* I don't think he'd even really care. And I wouldn't even know where to begin to let him know how I feel.
How do you tell someone how you feel, when they are the one who is making you feel that way. I know my brother or sister in law will probably read this. And to them I say thank you for showing me what you really think of me. Sorry to be such a waste of air. I hope you're happy with you new car that's not good enough for you, and your big screen TV. And I'm very sorry you will never truly appreciate who I am and what I do. But I will enjoy " sitting on my ass" because it's the hardest most challenging yet rewarding thing I will ever do!
Adam took the crib down for the very last time ever.
Megan in her big girl bed!
Adam took the crib down for the very last time ever.
Megan in her big girl bed!
